January 22, 2011

There is a time for everything - no matter how hard you try to avoid certain things - it's going to happen.

All my life I've kept a carefully crafted, beautifully built brick wall around my heart. It was the only place I felt safe, truly safe. Nobody could hurt me because you never got close enough.

Last year my word was Foundation - and I worked on shoring up my spiritual, emotional and physical selves. I turned 50. I went to Brave Girls Camp in July 2010. I had even started going back to church. I knew that eventually that wall was going to have to come down - but all of 2010 I managed to avoid the wrecking ball.

I have a pretty good sense when I meet people who I know can see the wall and I will do pretty much anything to avoid them. I'm good at that too.

Brave Girls Camp was the beginning - with that sign at the end of the path - telling me I was safe there. That set the old fight and flight survival mechanism into full blown alert. I knew the time was coming for me to start cleaning out old wounds - ridding myself of infection and begin to heal.

My church is amazing! It's full of totally imperfect people who are loved by a perfect God. Crossroads Vineyard really strives to be an outward focused church and at the same time, attending to the very broken and very imperfect people who are members. Our church has small groups that meet once a week for a semester and discuss various topics. You develop relationships - warm, caring, loving relationships with these people and wouldn't you know it....there was someone in the group who could see my carefully concealed wall. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! The alerts were sounded - additional defenses needed to be deployed to keep the wall secure! God has a way of putting the right people in the right place - just when you need them.

For now - lets just say that wall has been severely damaged and for the first time in many, many years, light is coming through - shining in the dark places, shattering the fear, and I'm not interested in rebuilding the wall - I'm actually WONDERING - what is on the other side.

It's time to start cultivating the other side of the wall - and seeing what amazing things life can bring.

Stay tuned.